I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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