Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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