I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Randomize
