my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Randomize
