On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
