Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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