my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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