so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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