I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
