He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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