I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
