I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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