I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
