well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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