There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize