Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
4 words: hood of his car
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
