A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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