I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
