all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
