dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
