im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize