i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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