My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
