Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
