I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
