Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
