i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Just pee around me
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
