Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
