Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm really busy with my period
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