We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
