i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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