i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize