Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
