The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
