I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
