Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
