Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
