Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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