you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
