I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
