I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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