ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
