Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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