Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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