I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I'm eating all of the evidence.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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