the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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