I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
