i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
