He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
MIDGETS
????
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
