how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
