He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
