FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
