the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
