You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
