Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
