ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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