This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
